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The Goopified Horse World

The Goopified Horse World

Consumer trends come and go. There’s been the low-fat diet crazes, then juice cleanses. Going au naturale and weaving flowers in your hair. The “there’s a pill for that” era. Lately, it seems we are in the era of pseudoscience and unfounded squishy claims. Basically, if your latest purchase came from the earth, has claims of detox benefits or is something you stick on or in your body, you too could be on the path to Crazyland.

And what better place to enter Crazyland than the horse world? Let’s be honest – most of us are only mere inches from that territory as it is. So of course companies are capitalizing on this trend.           

We horse people like to not just dip our toes in crazy, but slather ourselves in it completely. Much like the “activated” charcoal products people are using these days. Have you heard about them? I think it was invented by someone really bad at grilling who then claimed the resulting charred puck was intentional. INSTANT FACE AND BODY DETOX SCRUB! Apparently, there are similar products for horses now. You know, for when you want your horse’s skin to detox while making him think he’s about to run through fire. Maybe it would work well for lazy horses?

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And don’t get me started on Goop’s jade egg that you’re intended to stick in unlikely holes to regulate your reproductive cycles and balance hormones, among other weird claims. I wouldn’t recommend doing this with your angrily ovulating mare; you might actually make her more pissed and get your arm removed in the process. Better stick with Regumate. Or just slowly back away from her and give her a cookie or 50.

The world is slowly turning into a Goopified place full of weird products with dubious claims. There’s bee pollen, which – despite being unproven scientifically – has peddlers claiming it can help everything from digestion, blood count, muscle condition, breeding, stress and – did I say blood count? And that’s in horses. (In people, the claims are even weirder, like helping with alcoholism and making you 50% stronger.) Maybe this would work for lazy horses even better than the charcoal rub. Perhaps you should try both at the same time.

We horse people like to not just dip our toes in crazy, but slather ourselves in it completely.

For people, there are the pads you put on your feet that are supposed to draw out toxins and pesticides from your body overnight. I am venturing a guess that if you tried this on your horse, the only thing you’re going to pull out of that pad is yesterday’s poop and remnants of your boot that he stepped on when you wouldn’t give him a carrot.

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There are so many wraps, boots, supplements, and therapy services using various waves, magnets, clays, herbs, teardrops of monks, extract of angel farts and other fine ingredients that appear natural, organic and maybe a bit exotic. They seem so… appealing. And it’s certainly tempting to pay a bill to someone else other than your knowledgeable vet, for variety’s sake. Why not try something new and a little crazy, even if it’s unproven? I mean, I turned out three mares at the same time once and didn’t die, so these products are probably all safe and productive in comparison.

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But so many sites I’ve seen with such health products and services have all the perfectly filtered, Instagram-worthy photos of people laughing and smiling with their horses, who all look pristine. That right there should be a giant red flag. Ain’t nobody so clean and perfectly happy when they’re dealing with horse health stuff. I mean, really – we’re all huddled in a corner crying over our bills or anxiously poking through their poop to assess consistency or something.

I think I’m going to start a website offering all kinds of products and services for horses with out-there claims. I think I’ll call it: Just Give Me Your Money. Now THAT will resonate with horse people.

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