Breeches Suck. Hear Me Out.

You know how Barbie has thigh gap for days, wide hips, and no female anatomy? Not my build at all.

 I’m 5’1” on a good day, with narrow hips and muscular thighs. Did I mention I have given birth? All that adds up to a bunchy “situation” in my Barbie area, whenever I wear breeches. What am I supposed to do, cover it with a fanny pack? 

Fifteen years ago, leggings were as controversial as fanny packs. There were two camps, “Leggings are the new pants,” and “Leggings are Satan, and so are skinny jeans”. Breeches are glorified leggings with stickers on the knees. 

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We all know black is slimming. To add insult to injury, breeches are beige or white. How is this appropriate for people with periods? Clearly, the commitment to breeches isn’t about quality. Atop breeches, some of us wear a plastic belt, cut to fit with scissors. To complete the look, we sport ankle boots and knee-high socks with goofy illustrations (mine have unicorn astronauts), with the pièce de résistance being a food-service style hairnet. 

How is this appropriate for people with periods?

I have no issue with show shirts. I’ll sport a high collar any day to transform my torso from busty to elegant. Plus sun protection? This redhead is all about it. But are you really telling me I can’t ride in English tack without wearing breeches? Thanks to brands like Camelflage and Camelno, I have the situation somewhat handled. But why invest in embarrassing camel toe prevention underwear, when I could just dress like a cowgirl? 

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Give me a pair of low-rise, boot-cut jeans, and I’ll show you how to make your legs twice as long as they look in breeches. Throw on snip-toe boots, a sassy tank top, and chandelier earrings, and I could even meet my family for brunch after riding. Sure, I may get a snarky, “Ready for your ‘Heartland’ cameo?” from my hubby, to which I say, “Duh, born ready“. 

Guys, there is an alternate universe where leggings and breeches are passé. For those of you who disagree, there is a silver lining to venturing off the ranch in English get up – the possibility of running into other horse people. Like two redheads in a sea of blondes, there will be an unspoken kinship.

“You too were called carrot top? Yes, I am a weird horse girl, and I am not ashamed to dress like this.”