How to Survive the Horsepocalypse

So, COVID-19 and its effects on the world aren’t funny. And neither is the cancellations of horse shows for public health reasons.

But, we are horse people, and in troubling times, we find comfort in things such as literal horse poop (that your colicky horse just emitted from his gorgeous rectum). So bear with us here.

We are all going to miss competing and spectating at horse shows during the next few weeks (or months…*cry*). Maybe you’re even quarantined at home. So, we decided to provide you with a few ways to still feel like you’re at a horse show and give you that same wonderful feeling.

1. First and foremost, go light a pile of money on fire. You might be able to stop here and feel satisfied.

2. Rub some mud onto your white pants, face and head. If you’re an eventer, go sit in a mud puddle too.

3. Put on your show outfit and let your dog run out the front door and run behind him shouting, “LOOSE DOG! LOOSE DOG!”

4. Pack and unpack a suitcase repeatedly.

5. Run in circles and have your spouse, best friend or child yell at you.

6. Eat a hamburger while squatting or sitting somewhere inappropriate.

7. Build a makeshift porta-potty in your yard, and only use it when it’s raining to get the full experience

8. Change your clothes in the living room in front of everyone.

9. Post on social media, asking your friends to judge you. For anything, really. Then go cry.

10. Forget some necessity of daily life (toilet paper, anyone?) and go buy it online. And sort high to low. HIGH TO LOW, BABY GIRL.

11. Then go buy something else online that’s super pretty but you can’t afford.

12. Find any and all recordings of people with English accents and just listen to them. I don’t even care what the subject is.

13. Pack your car with every belonging you can possibly find. Then deflate your tire just so you have to deal with it.

14. Start duct taping random things in your house.

15. Instead of mentioning dinner, ask your family/spouse/roommate each day, “Is it time to feed?”

16. Meticulously braid your, your child’s or your pet’s hair every day, even if they don’t like it. Actually, particularly if they don’t.

17. Use fly spray as an air freshener.

18. In work meetings (virtual or in person), ask the person leading the meeting if there’s an order of go for talking.

19. Train your dog to piaffe.

20. Go ahead and set more money on fire.