Horses Regret Their Choices for Lent

Lent is drawing to a close, and some horses are truly regretting their choices of what they gave up for the season. Heels Down spoke to a few horses — under the condition of anonymity, of course — to discuss their trials and tribulations.

“I thought giving up bucking would be good for me. You know, be nicer to my person and yada yada. But I’ve found it’s been really difficult to contain my anger issues. I’ve had to take up yoga to make up for it, but I hate it. It takes up, like, 30 minutes out of my super-limited 23 hours of daily free time. I’m so glad that Lent is almost over, and I’m sure my person will be glad to have things back to normal too. What?”

“I gave up begging for treats, and I have positively wasted away. I think I’m going to have to go on a bender now come April.”

“I have an awesome habit of pooping in my water bucket. I love the refreshing splash of water that hits my bum. It’s like a bidet, but better. I don’t know why I thought giving up this luxury was a good idea, but it’s really not. Plus, my staff now doesn’t scrub my water bucket as often, and I am beside myself about that. Service around here has really suffered.”

“I gave up mounting my pasture mates. This needs no explanation as to why I regret this choice.”

“I didn’t understand and decided to give up my soundness for Lent, and now my people are confused about what’s wrong with me. But it did give me a nice little vacation.”

“I gave up picking up tiny humans by the hair. Now I miss that wonderful feeling of flinging them across the aisle like bocce balls. It’s cathartic.

“Recreational spooking is my thing. It sort of defines me as a horse. Without being able to recreationally spook the past few weeks, it’s made me concentrate harder and have a better work ethic. I fear I have become someone I don’t even recognize anymore. I even got ribbons at last week’s show. I am having an identity crisis, and it’s all Lent’s fault.”

“I was super smart and decided to stop kicking the farrier for Lent. Because that’s only, like, one shoeing. I’m no fool. Now the farrier likes me a lot more, and I get the added benefit of giving him a nice little surprise during my next shoeing in April. Lent is awesome, actually. I REGRET NOTHING.”

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