Equestrian Brands Need To Get It Together
You ever see a horse so badly put together that you think, “Aw, bless his heart, but he tries”? That’s me. I have the neck of a giraffe, and the head and hands of a child. My shoulders belong to an Olympic rower, my hips and belly are very much from a Renaissance painting.
Then we get to my legs. I have a femur and feet that belong to a six-foot-tall soccer player, but my calves belong to a nearly emaciated child. My arms? T-Rex territory. Put all these parts together, and I’m like the Potato Head you assembled as a child to be intentionally backwards and wonky. (But I’m fun!)
When I ordered my custom-made saddle, the rep actually asked my trainer, “Are you…. sure? Literally no one has ordered this combination ever.” THANKS FOR BUILDING ME UP, BUTTERCUP.
Needless to say, I’m used to having to buy stuff and have it altered. So used to it. I know there are a lot of fellow mutants out there who join me in the spare parts club. We should have a get together someday, and we will have step stools, scissors, belts and safety pins available for anyone who needs them. And maybe one of those grabby-thing claw tools.
Now, I love that so many equestrian brands have become more size inclusive, and some have a wide variety of semi-custom options. But gosh…. Some of y’all need to get your sh!t together. We are not all either tall and skinny or short and fluffy. (…and many of those who are tall and skinny are not just longer versions of children. Ahem.) Some of us have weird torsos, or thin but hourglass figures, or T-rex arms but Hulk shoulders.
And yeah, yeah, we can order custom stuff… but can’t some more of y’all make a few off-the-rack styles with um, creative proportions? Especially you boot makers. I can count one manufacturer whose boots fit my skinny-but-short legs and above-average foot size. Hint: bigger feet doesn’t always mean long legs. Maybe I need to start the Hobbit Boot Company.
I mean, heck – bridle manufacturers have caught on to the fact that some horses don’t all fully fit into cob, horse or oversize. Some brands offer pieces you can swap out or customize to fit your short-headed, thick-muzzled, dainty-throated weirdo. Let’s select-a-size some apparel for people too.
So let’s hear it for all of us mutants who ain’t winning the model class. You’ll see me ringside instead with my jacket with too big of a waist, my hips trying to spill out of my breeches, my boots cutting into my knee and my neck rising far above the crowd. But that’s OK. I make mutant look good.