My Riding Career Or A Baby? I’m Afraid I Can’t Have Both.

When I went off to college, I was lucky to take my horse with me.

My parents thought having the responsibility of a horse would keep me out of trouble. And for the most part, it did. My junior mount was my ultimate heart horse. I couldn’t love anything or anybody more than I loved him. But as my college career began to wind down, the idea of shouldering all of his costs on my own was becoming a very real drag on my life.

I did what I could – I leased him out to a wonderful family. But this, in turn, meant the riding time I had with him was severely limited. Soon graduation was within grasp, and I had no idea how I was going to afford a horse on an entry-level salary, let alone rent and groceries for myself.

The family who leased my horse made me an offer, and it was the best solution I could have ever hoped for. My favorite guy was about to be loved by two little girls for the rest of his life, living in a comfortable barn and getting the best care. I had to let him go.

It would be years before I could afford to own a horse again. And while those horseless years taught me to be resourceful and a scrappy rider, I longed for the day when I could have my own partner again, with my own riding and competitive goals.

Fast forward to now, and I’m a mid-career professional in my 30s. I’m married, I own a house, and luckily the horse of my dreams. Over the last year I’ve really been living the adult amateur dream – my horse has stepped up to the levels I’ve always aspired to reach. We’re competitive in the show ring. If only that recent grad version of myself could see me now – I think she’d be proud.

But on the heels of achieving this dream comes yet another conundrum: babies.

I’m at that age where every weekend, there’s yet another bridal or baby shower or wedding to attend. Family members ask me every chance they get, when I plan to become a mother myself. I’ve delayed this decision for a long as I possibly could. I bartered with my husband to give me “just two years” to go out and show competitively, before reassessing our family situation.

But if I’m being honest with myself, I don’t think I want a baby at all.

This is a life decision that is obviously so much bigger than horses. It changes everything. And while I have reservations across the board – I’m also not sure I want to give up horse shows and riding time to become a mom.

My own stance, of course, does not take away from the many amazing moms out there who love being a mom, and the tons of others who manage their mom duties with horses and other life commitments.

I’m not a professional in the horse industry. I don’t rely on the rides for my income. But for me, I don’t think I could realistically, or financially, juggle my high-pressure job with regular riding time and a baby. Something would have to give.

I know women who chose not to have kids at all, because that path didn’t align with the life they worked hard and envisioned for themselves. And I know women who have children, and still somehow manage to do all the things and more, over the years. There’s never one “right” choice for any woman. But it’s also OK to admit that I don’t want kids, even if the pressure to have them seems insurmountable sometimes.