9 Most Outrageous Railbird Commentary From Horse Shows

Ah, railbirds. Like flies to a manure pile, railbirds are nearly just as predictable.

They somehow materialize at every horse show. Some gaggles come in the form of young, teenage girls who are armed with Mean Girl sass as a flat class gets underway. Others are middle-aged women who have lots of opinions on dressage tests at levels they’ve never personally ridden at.

Why equestrians can be so critical of each other, I don’t know. Heels Down Mag polled some of our readers about the more outrageous commentary they’ve heard from railbirds over the years – yes, this is real stuff people have actually said – and some were too good not to share.

The Classic ‘Whoops, Look Behind You’:

Sitting in the stands at a show with a friend, watching an acquaintance of mine that my friend did not know struggle through her trail course.

My friend: “Wow. I just feel so sorry for her. If she has a trainer I hope she finds a new one.”

The trainer was sitting on the bleacher right below us.

When The Announcer Gets Involved:

“A good friend and her pony are known for their rather extreme (and frequently terrifying) speed in the jumper ring. Last year during a relay-race style fun class at a show, the announcer was egging everyone on to go faster and generally heckling. Friend and pony start their round, and announcer, not realizing he’s still talking into his mic, starts saying to his neighbor, ‘oh my god, not that fast!!!‘”

When The Announcer Gets Involved, Take 2:

“I was in a class where another competitor’s horse was agitated and started crow-hopping and the rider couldn’t fix it. The announcer (who, I found out later, was the rider’s mom) yelled over the PA: “*insert name*! Take him out of the arena right now. Get off. Get OUT. NOW.”

The rider was embarrassed and basically dragged her horse out as fast as she could. Totally awkward. ?

The Fair And Horse Shows… Don’t Always Mix:

“One year at fair, a girl was trying to get her horse to settle in the warm-up ring before her class. The Midway (with all of the terrifying rides and sounds) was directly behind a large fence right behind the warm-up. Some idiot thought it would be a bright idea to put a ride that shot up at a high rate of speed over the fence and into the air like 10 feet from the horses. Obviously….it was terrifying. A little girl and her mom were standing at the rail watching (presumably not horse people) and the little girl asked why the horse was so upset. The mom said, ‘the horse probably wants to ride the ride instead of working like that mean lady is making him do. So he’s being grumpy.‘

Also later that night some jerk let my mare out of her stall as a ‘prank’ of some kind. A stranger found her in the Midway at like 2 a.m… so maybe the lady wasn’t wrong and the horses really wanted to just ride the rides.”

Kids Say The Darndest Things:

“I ride and compete bridle-less full time in the jumpers (my OTTB has poll nerve damage) and a friend overheard a little girl ask during one of my rounds: ‘do you think it’s because she can’t afford a bridle?‘”

Half Linger… Half ???

“When my son was barrel racing his Haflinger, someone in the bleachers said ‘what kind of horse is that?’ Someone replied ‘it’s a Haflinger‘. Whereupon the first guy said ‘well I’ll be dammed a LINGER? Never heard of that, but I betcha the other half is Quarter horse, look at that ass, and he can move!‘”

We Could All Use A Dad Coke:

(Watches a chippy stiff hunter round) “I need a dad coke from the car.“

When It’s… Your Own Embarrassing Family:

“Just my dad laughing uncontrollably sitting beside me in the stands for the first time at Pennsylvania National Grand Prix night… at any horse that needed ‘extra gas’ to clear a fence. I was mortified.”

The Conversations Videos Pick Up:

“Teenage girls ringside trying to decide who was wearing ‘granny panties’, a thong or nothing at all under their breeches.” Or… “Two teenagers were discussing how terrible I was right next to my husband…as I jumped clear around a 1.20m division to win it.” And… Two people discussing how and what they like when purchasing bras and what sizes. I have it on video. It was during my daughter’s class.”