So your horse has gone permanently lame, or he’s stopped wanting to jump and can’t even anymore, and you have to retire him. Congratulations on joining the Oh My God, He’s Useless Club. Sure, he makes a pretty lawn ornament and is still sooooo sweet. But dang, his meds are $8,000 a month and he still insists on, you know, eating. So inconvenient.
While you ponder how to afford the next horse to ride while still paying for your retiree’s upkeep, I have a few solutions for you. Maybe one of these can be the magic way to make money from your adorably useless horse.
Harness the power of poop. Yeah, you read that right. Poop can be gold. Have you ever heard of the website Poop Senders? You can anonymously send a box of poop to your enemies – I mean send a gag gift – and choose the animal source. Maybe you can make a competing service called Posted Pony Poopballs. Or something. Or maybe you can just take it and place it on the front porch of that neighbor who always shoots off fireworks. OK, that wouldn’t actually make you any money, but it would be priceless.
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Start a bootcamp. OK, hear me out. I’m not advocating that you exercise. I’m not that crazy. For those with useless horses who also don’t like to be caught, this one’s for you. Advertise a Barn Bootcamp that’s like CrossFit, but with fresh air and hay and shiz. Basically, give the people random barn objects to carry around in place of kettlebells, and have them chase after your horse. If your horse kicks or bites them, give the person an award like they’re now the “Special Chosen One of the Week” and tell them they’ve just had a spiritual experience. That’ll do it.
Start an equine therapy program. No, I don’t mean the awesome and heartwarming ones for veterans or kids or whatnot. I mean the ones for executives. That’s where the money’s at, yo. Did you know that CEOs and such will pay $7,500 a day to learn about emotional intelligence in a horse setting, because horses are good for that sort of thing? Yeah. Nevermind that your retiree horse scratches his butt on his pasture mate’s face on the regular. He can totally teach CEOs a thing or two. And then you can go rescue all 52 of those Thoroughbreds, because you’re earning $7,500 a day. You’re worth it.
Rent him out. No, not for riding, because clearly that’s not happening. Rent him out as a living lawnmower. Hey, they do it with goats….why not your horse? He likes being fat and will eat anything, including your fencing. Let the lazy people use him to eat down their lawns, and you can give him another vintage of grass to try. Yeah, he’s gonna poop all over their lawns, but that’s not your problem. Tell them to start their own poop-mailing business.
I was going to also suggest renting him out for modeling, photo sessions and for weddings and such, but let’s face it. As a T-shirt that was gifted to me says, he’s…. “majestically awkward.”
But let’s be real. You’re probably just stuck with this useless retired horse. Still eating your paycheck, but not making it possible to eat more of your paycheck by being able to go to shows and such. Maybe that’s actually a plus.
So enjoy seeing that sweet face munching grass in the pasture, looking at you with adoring eyes as you watch the dollar signs invisibly scroll across his face. Embrace the life and love he has left to give you, and remember all the good times you had.
But maybe start collecting his poop in boxes just in case.