Scary AF Horse Show Travel Options for the No-Budget Adult Amateur

Option three is reserving a hotel room for yourself at a nice hotel, enjoying the luxurious linens, hot showers and peace and quiet. HAHAHAHA. No you can’t, you’re poor.

This article first appeared in the May 2018 issue of Heels Down Magazine. For more stories worth reading, subscribe now in the app and get a new issue delivered every month.

As a poor adult ammy, you’ve scrimped and saved, and after 85 years, you’re finally able to go to a horse show. Yay! You’ve accounted for the entry fees, trainer splits, stall, shipping costs for your horse, and all the other little odds and ends you’re going to need. You even saved for a new jacket, because while your wallet hasn’t expanded, your waistline has.

There’s only one problem: You kind of forgot you need somewhere to stay during the show. Somewhere that hopefully isn’t in your horse’s stall, sharing his poop pillow. Lucky for you, you have a few options available. Weigh them carefully.

Behind door number one is camping on the show grounds. The pros are that it’s pretty much free, and you can have like five beers the night before with your friends to drink away your nerves, and then just hop into your tent. Convenient. There are, unfortunately, a million cons. Unless your venue has showers, you’re going to be sharing a hose bath with your horse in the wash rack. Or just stay stinky. Whatever.

And, because you’re poor, you’re not going to have great camping equipment. This means you’re going to be either too hot or too cold, rained upon, invaded by ants and wake up with a twisted back that makes you appear lamer than even your horse.

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For another on-site option, you can stay with that acquaintance with a living quarters trailer. Then you can sleep on the too-short, really uncomfortable couch/day bed/storage rack/toilet, or you can go awkwardly halvsies on the only bed. I hope you like cuddling. Be sure to call which spoon you prefer being.

Option three is reserving a hotel room for yourself at a nice hotel, enjoying the luxurious linens, hot showers and peace and quiet. HAHAHAHA. No you can’t, you’re poor.

Next choice is sharing a decent hotel room with another poor adult ammy. While you can enjoy some decent creature comforts, your fellow ammy is probably going to be a nervous wreck along with you, tossing and turning and possibly vomiting her way through the night. She also might prefer to get up and meditate at 5 a.m. and then go get first dibs on breakfast. This person might also be a huge talker and want to smile crazily in the morning and chirp out random whatevers while waking up. I don’t know about you, but I ain’t got time for that. Let me sleep until the last possible second, and, for the love of god, don’t talk to me before 10 a.m. Like, ever.

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Or, you could share a decent room with a junior rider or college student at your barn. The kid’s parents are likely going to not only guarantee payment, but will also be grateful to you. The kid is also probably going to be a bit scared of you and/or your show nerves and will be on good behavior and follow your rules of engagement.

On the other hand, you’re literally going to be responsible for a smaller human. You didn’t even put your girth on correctly yesterday.

Finally, my favorite, you can get a hotel room at a shady, questionable hotel. You’ll be able to enjoy solo quiet time, so long as the drug deals go down at a decent hour and the bugs don’t have a noisy midnight conference on the floor. Be sure to check for bedbugs upon arrival, lock all the available locks, and maybe don’t turn the lights on at night when you go to the bathroom. You might not like what you see.

You know what, on second thought, maybe go get that nice hotel room on your own so you can sleep and vomit in peace without fear of questionably adulterated water splashing back at you. You don’t need to eat this month, right?

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